Sustainable Parenting

The Holiday Season

Decrease misbehavior and encourage giving.

written By Flora McCormick, LCPC

Take a moment to consider how you might define the primary goal of your child’s misbehavior.

Did you guess attention? Immaturity? Self-centeredness?

Rudolf Dreikurs, an early leader in developing Positive Discipline strategies, says the primary goal of children’s behavior is belonging/significance. In fact, our children have such a strong desire to belong or feel significant that they sometimes do goofy things to achieve it. For example, when four year-old Jason asks to help make dinner and you say, “sorry honey. Just for grown-ups,” his misbehavior of hitting your leg or screaming may be a way of saying, “I don’t feel I belong or have significance right now.” What I mean is, on some level… this guy’s behavior makes sense.

So, as parents we can improve our child’s sense of belonging by looking for ways that they can contribute. Of course Jason can’t cook the meal, but maybe he can set the table. It is an important task to help our children experience roles of significance in this world as often as possible, and with the Holiday Season here – the idea of giving and helping others is in the air. When you step back and get creative, there are many ways young children can contribute to the family and their community and in doing so you will notice their self-esteem will grow, and misbehavior will decrease.

Giving/Helping in the Family:

A child as young as three can dress him or herself (if given clothes that are appropriate, and taught how). Young children can also wipe up spills with a rag, set the table and fix their own snack (if you get out the ingredients). They can do household chores such as feeding the dog or putting away dishes. Dreikurs rule of thumb is “Never do anything for a child that they could do for themselves” because it deprives the child of the opportunity to have significance and belonging. Hallelujah! The gig is up. You don’t have to be “super mom/dad” and cut off the crust just right and clean up every mess the child makes. If they want something done or they make a mess, and they can take care of it on their own (developmentally), then guide them in doing it, and allow them the opportunity. You both win.

Giving/Helping in Problem Solving:

Children ages two years old and up are capable of helping with problem solving and it will build their self-esteem and decrease misbehavior if you ask for their contributions. For instance, when I was with three year-old Isabel, she spilled a large container of beans on the ground. I immediately thought to grab the broom and start sweeping, but instead stopped and said, “oh no! The beans are all over the ground. We need them in the bowl to play. I wonder what we can do?” She looked very pensive for about 30 seconds, and I waited for her ideas (depending on the child, you can make some suggestions, but do so in a way that fully portrays you are not sure what is the best choice here and would love for her to contribute the solution). A moment later Isabel looked at me and said “we can scoop them with the spoon, back into the bowl!” She was so excited and I had an opportunity to say, “what a great idea! Show me how!” Even though I knew it would take less time with the broom, she ended up cleaning every bean and was so proud of herself at the end.

Giving/Helping in the Community:

It is a great time of year to look at community service activities you can do with your children. The Gallatin Valley Food Bank has opportunities for families to volunteer as little as one-to-two hours per month. Even children can help to deliver food baskets to senior citizens or families in need. Also, you can do neighborhood outreach. For example, if you know a neighbor is ill, ask your children if they can think of a treat to cheer up that neighbor. Even if they say cookies and you think lasagna is a better idea, have them help you make and deliver the cookies (no idea is a bad one, really, if your child has thought of a way to help). Lastly, a child can help an elderly neighbor by volunteering to bring in their newspaper each morning, or watering their lawn in the summer. Of course, it is normal for the child to be reluctant about service, at times, but I am often very impressed by how willing children are to help others. Especially, if they get an opportunity to gain a sense of belonging and significance.

Flora McCormick, LCPC has a counseling practice at Psychiatry Associates, PC in Bozeman, where she sees adults and youth ages 8 to 18. She specializes in Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, and family issues. Look for her upcoming free parenting workshops at www.counselorflora.com.