Losing a Baby: What to do next?

Colleen E. Crane MSW, LCSW

I recently lost a baby at 20 weeks pregnant, what resources are out there for me?

First of all, let me express my heartfelt condolences on losing your baby. To lose a baby at any stage of your pregnancy or to have a child born silent is something we hope nobody ever has to experience. Losing a baby can make you feel as if you did something wrong or that you are being punished. Many times, as mothers, we take the blame for the loss of a pregnancy or a baby, and the majority of the time it has nothing to do with anything that we have done.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, for women in their childbearing years, the chances of having a miscarriage (at 20 weeks or earlier) can range from 10-25%, and in most healthy women the average is about a 15-20% chance (www.americanpregnancy.org). I hear many women tell me that they spend years trying not to get pregnant and then when they are ready to have a baby and lose a pregnancy it feels like it is a cruel trick.

I have worked with many women who have lost babies 20 weeks and beyond, and the pain of losing a baby when you feel like you are in “the clear,” is heartbreaking and difficult for many to deal with. At 20 weeks you were probably already “showing” and I imagine that many friends, family and co-workers knew you were expecting. Sometimes people don’t know what to say. Expect that there will be friends and family members who might pretend that everything is all right or attempt to ignore the subject in hopes to keep your mind occupied. Know that not everyone knows how to act or support you during this time. Share with others that is it okay to talk about how you are doing with the loss. Let them know that you might cry or be upset but that eventually it will be easier to make it through the day.

Many mothers that I talk to who have lost a baby have told me that you never truly get over losing a child it just becomes a new normal. This experience will forever change you and to expect that you will go back to where things were before is an unattainable expectation. When you are feeling up to it, think about creating something to hold the memory of your child. I have heard of memory books, planting a tree in memory of, or doing something special on the birthdate in remembrance as being helpful in dealing with the grief and loss.

I have often heard women say it takes a good year to feel “normal” again. If you are concerned about how you are doing, consider talking with a mental health professional. They can help you work through any worries or concerns that you may be having as well as direct you to additional resources tailored to your specific situation. If you feel more comfortable in group situations, Bozeman has several options. Bozeman Deaconess Hospital has a group called SHARE for parents dealing with perinatal loss. Within this group, they have women who act as peer supports for you as well. You can contact Bozeman Deaconess at 522-1644 for more information or contact Stephanie Bishop at 223-5636. The Annual March of Dimes Walk will take place in Bozeman on Saturday, May 12, 2012. For more information contact Stephanie Bishop at 223-5636.

To learn to love your self again after losing a baby can be hard. It is also hard for loved ones, parents and friends to understand. Make sure you reach out to others for support when you are ready. You will probably find many women with similar stories. Know that you are not alone.

Colleen E. Crane MSW, LCSW is a licensed social worker based in Bozeman, Montana. Colleen is currently in private practice and specializes in working with adolescent girls and women. Colleen graduated in 2001 from the University of Michigan-School of Social Work. She is a published author in domestic violence research, a mother of two and a yoga teacher. You can reach Colleen at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 570-0829.